9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
