your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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