I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
