Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
