we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
