Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(503): View more from Oregon

It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?

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(312): View more from Illinois

I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?

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