Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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