The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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