just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
