I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
