i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
do nipples grow back?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
