She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
