I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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