You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
