2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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