He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
