You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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