I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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