the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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