forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
