I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
