I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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