I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
