The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
