I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
