If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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