even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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