Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
