do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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