I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
