Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
