Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
