Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
NoShamevember. You game?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
