One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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