I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
