Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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