The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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