tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
