if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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