on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
