you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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