it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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