i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
