Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
