Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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