Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
