Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
