So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
