I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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