You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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