I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
