Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dear god my vagina.
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