Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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