i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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