Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
