so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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