I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
