I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
