He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
