I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
