So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Where is the hickey?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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