Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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