I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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