currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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