you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm sobbing to NWA
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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