it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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