please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
