I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
