Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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